It’s fun girl week again and the past few days…weeks have been quite emotional. Usually, I manage to have my emotions in check but f* this week. Sometimes I think or I know I internalize my feelings waay too much, which is not healthy for me. I sometimes wish I wasn’t soo prideful, stubborn. It’s just usually, when I’m opening myself up, I think 95% of the times, I end up tearing up and crying, it’s usually for the first couple minutes. I guess I hate feeling so vulnerable, letting my guard down but I should be able to trust my friends to be there regardless. But then there are the “friends” who are always talking about themselves and their issues but the second you talk about your shit, you just hear/see them tune out. Why I continue these relationships, I’m not sure, maybe I’m not so cynical and hopeful they may change or I’m a plain dumb ass. Selfish ass motherfuckers.

Oh, the things you start to think of when you’re 30 and Aunt Flo is visiting. Dammit, am I late bloomer? “Girl, I was thinking of this when I was a teenager, where have you been? (Yes, I’m talking to myself damm Gemini tendencies and our dual, voices in our head personalities). Yes, put the big L on my forehead. Who says it gets better when you’re 30? I know my life isn’t horrible and I’m very fortunate but there are certain areas of my life where I’m frustrated as hell.

BTW (yes another Jen filled tanget) I sooo miss cuddling and hand holding. It’s been tooo long, if at all. I love falling asleep in one arms and waking up with their arms still around you. *sigh* F*en guys. The downside of staying at girlfriend’s places, who have boyfriends. I see all these cute little love notes from their men. Its absolute adorable and I want meet someone like that, who thinks about these small things.

I know there’s amazing men out there and I just realized I need to stop thinking and bitching why I don’t meet these rare fiends and how there’s a lack of good ones left. What I’m realizing is why am I not trying to improve myself for myself? These men are usually with amazing women and I am no way near to be as amazing as these women. Dammit what is their secret?

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Just read my below post and I still haven’t had a big vacation and I have no one to blame but myself.

Arrgh I'm so bummed. I'm really trying to go on vacation but Gap Adventures doesn't have any trips to Iceland or New Zealand currently available and they haven't responded back to any of my questions. I so need a vacation and ppl been telling me to go. Most of the folks that I can tolerate traveling with have either gone on vacation or are planning to go on a trip with their significant other or they're broke. Yes, I know I can go by myself but unfortunately being single and female means I do have to take some precautions. I was hoping Gap Adventures would work but none of the places I want to go are available for some strange reason. Well, I know Iceland won't be available until summer time cuz I'm sure it's freakin' cold right now and I would have to be out of my mind to go now. I know I shouldn't limit myself since I'm single and let this hurdle stop me but arrgh it's sometimes so frustrating. I get so envious when I hear of other ppl going to places I really, really want to go to, especially when they no jack shit of the place or it's cuz their significant other planned it. Man, I sound bitter.

You may ask why are you only going with Gap Adventures. It is because I would atleast be with a group and if I was just traveling by myself, it wouldn't be so bad. And one of my friends had gone on trip by herself and she had a good time. Watch if I go everyone is in a luvey dovey relationship. Maybe I should bring a toy with me. har har and get caught by security and say it's a bomb. (Man, that guy was a dumb ass)

I had meet a girl at Largo, when I had went to see Bic Runga perform, who's in a similiar situation. The show was sold out but I wanted to take a chance to stay in line to hopefully get a bar seat. Luckily this girl's friend had bailed out on her and she had an extra seat and asked if anyone was interested in seating with her and I jumped on the chance. She was expressing how a lot of her close girlfriends were also in relationships and she was losing all her traveling buddies.

I so do love music. My love that’s there for me. *sigh* It’s been one hell of week, heck it’s been one hell of a year and it’s only August. So much tears and frustration. Why do people promise and talk about the future, but don’t ever really mean it. I hate how it’s always one-dimensional and not three-dimensional. I hate how I let certain things affect me.

Where are the doers because I’m sick of the talkers? Wish karma would do its thing. Though this year I have challenged myself but too many dead roads, so you can say it’s been a tad frustrating. Need time to heal and make myself stronger and wiser.

Anyhoo, back to talking to my faithful love. Just got reacquainted to Pandora. Had signed on when it had partnered with Friendster awhile back but it was still lacking in music selection. But it’s gotten better though I still think it needs more Asian artists. Where’s Teresa Teng?

One of the artists it has introduced me to is Eva Cassidy. She has such a beautiful voice. Going to have to get her albums. Also saw Bic Runga finally perform live at Largo. She was just so lovely in so many ways. I thought I was going to cry when she sang some of my favorite songs. It made my August. Can’t wait to see Marisa Monte later this fall.

Good grief, am I a drama queen or what? No, I am not. I have emotion people. Plus this is my freakin’ “secret but not really because google and others have found it” blog.

Thought I should atleast post something in 2006 since I've neglected this journal. Man, I need to get cable. I was viewing some music videos online and I just saw DJ Shadow's Six Days and was amazed to see Asian people in the video but not just Asian people, but my yummy Chang Chen was in the video and the video looked very Wong Kar-Wai-esque, well Jen that's because he directed the video. Apparently DJ Shadow is a fan WKW and WKW is fan of DJ Shadow. Beautiful images and beautiful music. Eye and music candy for Jen. What a great collaboration. They need to do more together. Can we also add Takeshi Kaneshiro in the mix? Hey, a girl can dream.........

So I haven't been posting on this blog cuz I'm too lazy to update both my Livejournal and my Xanga. But it's no longer secret, since apparently it can be found via google. All I can say is that Mafoo and my coworkers are EVIL! EVIL!

"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."- Benjamin Franklin, 1759

That's right more narcissistic behavior from Jen. Surfed upon this student's journal. Guess I give a not bad workshop. Woo hoo! Look at my previous Feb 2003 post. Though don't know how much more I want to deal with MANAA. I'm burned out, especially til the election is over. Plus there's various other reasons but I won't divulge on here.

Saturday, February 01, 2003

Wow, I didn't think I'd have that much fun at APAAC (Asian Pacific American Awareness Conference) because it was forced volunteerism on my part.
Lynne and I got there at 8am (ugh)
After breakfast, we went to 3 workshops (well, there was lunch after the first one) that were extremely interesting. The first was about South Asia (India, Pakistan, etc.) and religion, which actually gave me some better definitions.
Then the second one was about stereotypes. I think this was the best workshop that I've been to. It was put on by a group called MANAA (Media Action Network for Asian Americans http://www.manaa.org/), a non-profit based in LA that works towards ending stereotypes of Asian Americans in the media. Damn, it was so informative and moving that I wanted to sign up right there. I mean, this is what I've always hated - stereotypes in the media (especially of APIs) and here's a group doing something about it. I learned that if you see something you don't like, write to their advertisers because that'll hurt them. Also, DON'T BUY THE FEB. ISSUE OF MAXIM! (sorry guys) There's a cartoon depicting a buff white guy beating up Ghandhi to show how to kick someone's ass. I think they're trying to contrast an aggressive person and a pacifist, but why not Jesus or MLK? It's just as hurtful. I dunno, but that group spoke to me, kinda awoke the activist in me, but since I don't have the time to commit, I'll just keep my eyes & ears open and write letters, etc. Other Asian Americans should, too, because our voice is out there, but it could be stronger.
The third one was about gays that was good, too, but I've been to a panel of gays & lesbians before, so it was very similar. One thing I've noticed - there's a lot of gay Asian males, but you rarely see lesbian Asians ('exotic scenes' excluded). I wonder why?
But anyways, time to go back to work after a whole day of the conference. I really wish more people came out - there was probably only about 100 or so.
Posted 2/1/2003 at 7:32 PM