It’s fun girl week again and the past few days…weeks have been quite emotional. Usually, I manage to have my emotions in check but f* this week. Sometimes I think or I know I internalize my feelings waay too much, which is not healthy for me. I sometimes wish I wasn’t soo prideful, stubborn. It’s just usually, when I’m opening myself up, I think 95% of the times, I end up tearing up and crying, it’s usually for the first couple minutes. I guess I hate feeling so vulnerable, letting my guard down but I should be able to trust my friends to be there regardless. But then there are the “friends” who are always talking about themselves and their issues but the second you talk about your shit, you just hear/see them tune out. Why I continue these relationships, I’m not sure, maybe I’m not so cynical and hopeful they may change or I’m a plain dumb ass. Selfish ass motherfuckers.

Oh, the things you start to think of when you’re 30 and Aunt Flo is visiting. Dammit, am I late bloomer? “Girl, I was thinking of this when I was a teenager, where have you been? (Yes, I’m talking to myself damm Gemini tendencies and our dual, voices in our head personalities). Yes, put the big L on my forehead. Who says it gets better when you’re 30? I know my life isn’t horrible and I’m very fortunate but there are certain areas of my life where I’m frustrated as hell.

BTW (yes another Jen filled tanget) I sooo miss cuddling and hand holding. It’s been tooo long, if at all. I love falling asleep in one arms and waking up with their arms still around you. *sigh* F*en guys. The downside of staying at girlfriend’s places, who have boyfriends. I see all these cute little love notes from their men. Its absolute adorable and I want meet someone like that, who thinks about these small things.

I know there’s amazing men out there and I just realized I need to stop thinking and bitching why I don’t meet these rare fiends and how there’s a lack of good ones left. What I’m realizing is why am I not trying to improve myself for myself? These men are usually with amazing women and I am no way near to be as amazing as these women. Dammit what is their secret?

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Just read my below post and I still haven’t had a big vacation and I have no one to blame but myself.